I've never been great at consistently writing in a blog or diary. I found a diary the other day which I've been writing in for a few years and my last post was about 2 years ago - and the one before that was a bit longer! I think maybe because I don't feel I have anything worth writing about I don't end up writing. Especially when I'm feeling down or depressed - which is probably when I should be writing.
I can see on here my last post was in May, so that's not too bad as its only been a couple of months, and things haven't been too bad. Mind you I'm still struggling with weight and depression. Especially in the past week or so. The film work hasn't been too bad - I found out yesterday I was cast in another independent feature film which I was hoping to do (can't say too much yet), and am up to a total of 17 days on set, with number 18 today. Still mostly student / unpaid films, but I'm happy with that. However the last day I had on set I had to wear corporate gear, and the night before I got all my stuff out only to find most of it didn't fit. It has been six months since I had the hysterectomy, and I'm finding I still get swelly belly - where my tummy swells by a good couple of inches (cause can be a few different things, including exercise). I measured myself that evening, and then again in the morning and there was a 2" difference in size, so I wasn't seeing things! At least by the morning I was able to fit into one of those outfits, but it was very depressing.
So yet again I'm on the vicious cycle - depression, comfort food, weight gain :( I do have moments where I feel good about myself, and where I think "I can do this" but then that disappears and I'm back into the "I don't care" mode. I've been on this cycle for many years, but at least now I can recognise the symptoms, plus I can talk about it. There was a time once (in my late teens/early 20s) where I was so depressed that my friends had no idea that I was contemplating suicide. It annoys me when people just say to talk about it or seek help - unless you have been down that sink-hole, you have no idea what it is like. I couldn't see any other way out at the time, and I couldn't vision any future for me. I didn't even think I'd live to see 30. Thankfully, something happened to make me realise there was a future, and here I am today.
But now as a Personal Trainer as well, I know even more about what I should be doing, and feel like I'm not setting a good example for my clients. I know what I should be doing, I'm just not doing it. I know I need to stop making excuses and get back on the healthy train - eating well and exercising regularly. I may fall off again, but that is life and I just need to accept that and have strategies in place to deal with it. So, I raise my glass of sparkling water to life and say 'bring it on'!
