Back on the Wagon - Again!

I think it is something many people can relate too - the struggles of losing weight.  We all know what we should be doing to be fit and healthy, and of course everyone is different.  You can't judge people on how they look because you are only seeing half the picture.  I am overweight, that I know, but physically I've always been fit and healthy on the inside.  Whereas a beautiful model friend of mine was shocked recently to discover she is the opposite - looks fit on the outside, but is not so healthy on the inside.  So yes, we are all different.  But we all want to look and feel good - it's human nature.

Lately I have not been feeling good about myself.  I could nearly say the black dog has been trying to make a comeback and I've been struggling to stop it jumping the fence.  It's a constant struggle, and the way my life is at the moment probably isn't helping.  At the start of 2016 I was doing so well with getting myself back on track.  Then I was made redundant and my life turned into an organised chaos.  I neglected myself and let myself fall back into bad habits as I tried to cope with the major change of going from full time $40K+ per annum work to casual 'am I going to make enough to pay the bills this week' work.  It's a scary thought, and at the end of the day I believe I am happier being able to do the work I really want to do, and having more variety - but the stress of ensuring I still made enough to cover bills and food is always there.  Initially I had a redundancy package to fall back on, but that soon ran out (it wasn't a lot), and then I resorted to selling some assets to try and reduce some debt, but I'm not in the clear yet.  Needless to say, as always my way of coping with stress is eating.  I know it should be exercise, and I know I always feel better after I exercise, but some days I just want to stay in bed all day and not do anything.

When I made the decision in Oct 2016 to have a hysterectomy, the added stress of upcoming surgery didn't help.  I was happy I made the decision, and thrilled to have the surgery done with no complications, but I had never had any sort of major surgery before other than having my wisdom teeth out.  Not to mention there were a lot more risks with having a hysterectomy.  Thankfully it went well but it meant two months of little to no exercise - which only fuelled my desire to stay in bed.  The body adapts very quickly - and it certainly did in my case in being lazy.  What didn't help was that I had stopped dancing as well, so what was once regular exercise became occasional.

For a while I tried losing weight doing 16:8 fasting - where you only eat during an 8 hour window, but like any weight loss, you need to eat less calories.  I was fine fasting for 16 hours, but for some reason I would still eat too much during the 8 hour window, and as a result didn't lose any weight (possibly even put some on).  It made me realise that I needed to go back to doing 5:2 as I know this worked for me - only having 500-600 calories 2 days per week. 

So today is back on the wagon for Day 1.  I didn't weigh myself but my last weight was around 81kg.  It's time for me to get back down to a healthy weight again.  No food restrictions are being set as yet, but I will aim to cut down on sugar.  My first attempt is to just get back into the habit of fasting again.  And exercise.  So here we go.. you can view my vlog for today here:

I'm still here

I've never been great at consistently writing in a blog or diary.  I found a diary the other day which I've been writing in for a few years and my last post was about 2 years ago - and the one before that was a bit longer!  I think maybe because I don't feel I have anything worth writing about I don't end up writing.  Especially when I'm feeling down or depressed - which is probably when I should be writing.

I can see on here my last post was in May, so that's not too bad as its only been a couple of months, and things haven't been too bad.  Mind you I'm still struggling with weight and depression. Especially in the past week or so.  The film work hasn't been too bad - I found out yesterday I was cast in another independent feature film which I was hoping to do (can't say too much yet), and am up to a total of 17 days on set, with number 18 today.  Still mostly student / unpaid films, but I'm happy with that.  However the last day I had on set I had to wear corporate gear, and the night before I got all my stuff out only to find most of it didn't fit.  It has been six months since I had the hysterectomy, and I'm finding I still get swelly belly - where my tummy swells by a good couple of inches (cause can be a few different things, including exercise).  I measured myself that evening, and then again in the morning and there was a 2" difference in size, so I wasn't seeing things!  At least by the morning I was able to fit into one of those outfits, but it was very depressing.

So yet again I'm on the vicious cycle - depression, comfort food, weight gain :(  I do have moments where I feel good about myself, and where I think "I can do this" but then that disappears and I'm back into the "I don't care" mode.  I've been on this cycle for many years, but at least now I can recognise the symptoms, plus I can talk about it.  There was a time once (in my late teens/early 20s) where I was so depressed that my friends had no idea that I was contemplating suicide.  It annoys me when people just say to talk about it or seek help - unless you have been down that sink-hole, you have no idea what it is like.  I couldn't see any other way out at the time, and I couldn't vision any future for me.  I didn't even think I'd live to see 30.   Thankfully, something happened to make me realise there was a future, and here I am today.

But now as a Personal Trainer as well, I know even more about what I should be doing, and feel like I'm not setting a good example for my clients.  I know what I should be doing, I'm just not doing it.  I know I need to stop making excuses and get back on the healthy train - eating well and exercising regularly.  I may fall off again, but that is life and I just need to accept that and have strategies in place to deal with it.  So, I raise my glass of sparkling water to life and say 'bring it on'!

The Challenges of Life

They say if things were easy, everyone would be doing it.. like losing weight.  Well, losing weight can be easy, but like anything you have to be committed to doing it!  Sadly, when I wrote my last post in an attempt to do an 8 week challenge - life threw all kinds of work challenges at me.  I went from working only a few hours a week, to over 30 hours a week.  For example, last week I worked 37 hours in one job, plus another 7 hours in another job (so 45hrs total).  Sure this is full time hours for most people, and it would be fine if it was 8am to 5pm, Monday to Friday - but for me it has been more condensed into 4 days with 5.30am/6am starts and 8pm finishes.  You think that's great- I get a 3 day weekend - but by the time the weekend comes around I'm so damn tired all I want to do is sleep!  So not really that great, and I can see how Personal Trainers can quickly burn out, let alone if they have to work a second job to keep paying the bills!  This has also meant I've had little time or energy to do my own workout, which is very frustrating.

The lack of energy, and tiredness, have led to my poor diet choices once again - where I'm finding myself back on the merry-go-round of sweetness and sugar addiction.  Something I have overcome once before, and know I can do it again, but once again a challenge which I have yet to fully commit to, especially as my depression lurks and feed on sugar, and I find it a constant battle in my mind which I have to conquer once again.

On the upside, however, I did get back into doing the Sat morning Parkrun, and a couple of weeks ago I was able to run the whole 5km without having to switch to a power walk.  I completed it in around 35mins, which is slow for me, but this is great progress as now I can concentrate on getting my speed up again.  Last weekend I also challenged myself by participating in the ROC Race - a 5km un-timed race inspired by the shows "Wipeout" and "It's a Knockout".  Along the 5km were 12 different, larger than life obstaces - many of which resulted in being drenched, soaked or covered in foam - but was so much fun, and I completed the course in around 45-50mins.

Also, this year I have been determined to work more acting gigs, which I set myself the one and only new year resolution of working at least one day per month on a film set (paid or unpaid).  It is now May, and I'm please to say I have already completed 12 days on various films - majority of which have been speaking roles, and about a third of them have even been paid!  So at least my career is looking good, even though my waistline isn't!  But I know I will get there - sometimes we just need to push through the pain, otherwise we never discover our full potential.. so hopefully next time I check in I will be in a much better mindset!

My 8 Week Challenge - Start

So just before Christmas I had surgery (a hysterectomy) which meant I couldn't exercise for a few weeks.  This, along with the usual christmas season of parties, has resulted in putting on a few kilos which I'm not too happy about.  I was doing so well with 5:2 but after I stopped working full time, my routine became erratic and I forgot what I was doing.  I managed to maintain my weight for a few months, but have gone from 69kg to 77kg.. a whole 8kg more.

Now that things are sort of back on track - okay, not quite as I'm not working full time, but I'm at least in the right mindset again to focus - I've decided to set myself an 8 week challenge.  As part of this I'll be checking in at least once a week around work etc to let you know how I'm going.  Now I'm not a big fan of shakes, usually because they are full of sugar, but I've decided to implement them into my routine as a way of helping myself get back onto the 'fasting train'.  I have chosen to go with the Nutriway 'Bodykey' Shakes for this challenge because after a comparison, they are the highest in fat content, and the lowest content of sugar (compared to Optifast, Celebrity Slim, Herbalife & Isagenix).  And at 118cals per shake (made on water) they will go well on my fast days.

Also, as it is a challenge, I'm going to aim to 'fast' at least 3 times per week.  This will vary week to week depending on my routine / work schedule.  Generally the best days to fast are days you are busy, then you are more likely to not notice you are hungry.  On the other days I will eat 'normally' ('my version of normal'). This means no counting of calories, nor of macro-nutrients, nor will I cut anything out at this stage. As a sugar addict that has fallen off the wagon many times, I know I need to start slow and that by the end of the 8 weeks, it is likely my tastebuds will not be craving it as much thanks to the fasting.  So one thing at a time - first focus on getting back into the habit of fasting.

Finally, whilst I do know that weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise, I am also going to aim to exercise at least 5 times per week.  This will be a combination of cardio and weights, however mostly cardio at a mid to high intensity level doing activities such as running, dancing, rollerskaing and playing badminton.  I will aim to do 2 x gym sessions of weights per week as well.

So here are my starting stats - Weight 77.4kg  (Chest 42in, Waist 39in, Hips 44in)

Goal weight:  69kg (8kg in 8 weeks) by 14 April 2017