Back on the Wagon - Again!

I think it is something many people can relate too - the struggles of losing weight.  We all know what we should be doing to be fit and healthy, and of course everyone is different.  You can't judge people on how they look because you are only seeing half the picture.  I am overweight, that I know, but physically I've always been fit and healthy on the inside.  Whereas a beautiful model friend of mine was shocked recently to discover she is the opposite - looks fit on the outside, but is not so healthy on the inside.  So yes, we are all different.  But we all want to look and feel good - it's human nature.

Lately I have not been feeling good about myself.  I could nearly say the black dog has been trying to make a comeback and I've been struggling to stop it jumping the fence.  It's a constant struggle, and the way my life is at the moment probably isn't helping.  At the start of 2016 I was doing so well with getting myself back on track.  Then I was made redundant and my life turned into an organised chaos.  I neglected myself and let myself fall back into bad habits as I tried to cope with the major change of going from full time $40K+ per annum work to casual 'am I going to make enough to pay the bills this week' work.  It's a scary thought, and at the end of the day I believe I am happier being able to do the work I really want to do, and having more variety - but the stress of ensuring I still made enough to cover bills and food is always there.  Initially I had a redundancy package to fall back on, but that soon ran out (it wasn't a lot), and then I resorted to selling some assets to try and reduce some debt, but I'm not in the clear yet.  Needless to say, as always my way of coping with stress is eating.  I know it should be exercise, and I know I always feel better after I exercise, but some days I just want to stay in bed all day and not do anything.

When I made the decision in Oct 2016 to have a hysterectomy, the added stress of upcoming surgery didn't help.  I was happy I made the decision, and thrilled to have the surgery done with no complications, but I had never had any sort of major surgery before other than having my wisdom teeth out.  Not to mention there were a lot more risks with having a hysterectomy.  Thankfully it went well but it meant two months of little to no exercise - which only fuelled my desire to stay in bed.  The body adapts very quickly - and it certainly did in my case in being lazy.  What didn't help was that I had stopped dancing as well, so what was once regular exercise became occasional.

For a while I tried losing weight doing 16:8 fasting - where you only eat during an 8 hour window, but like any weight loss, you need to eat less calories.  I was fine fasting for 16 hours, but for some reason I would still eat too much during the 8 hour window, and as a result didn't lose any weight (possibly even put some on).  It made me realise that I needed to go back to doing 5:2 as I know this worked for me - only having 500-600 calories 2 days per week. 

So today is back on the wagon for Day 1.  I didn't weigh myself but my last weight was around 81kg.  It's time for me to get back down to a healthy weight again.  No food restrictions are being set as yet, but I will aim to cut down on sugar.  My first attempt is to just get back into the habit of fasting again.  And exercise.  So here we go.. you can view my vlog for today here:

I'm still here

I've never been great at consistently writing in a blog or diary.  I found a diary the other day which I've been writing in for a few years and my last post was about 2 years ago - and the one before that was a bit longer!  I think maybe because I don't feel I have anything worth writing about I don't end up writing.  Especially when I'm feeling down or depressed - which is probably when I should be writing.

I can see on here my last post was in May, so that's not too bad as its only been a couple of months, and things haven't been too bad.  Mind you I'm still struggling with weight and depression. Especially in the past week or so.  The film work hasn't been too bad - I found out yesterday I was cast in another independent feature film which I was hoping to do (can't say too much yet), and am up to a total of 17 days on set, with number 18 today.  Still mostly student / unpaid films, but I'm happy with that.  However the last day I had on set I had to wear corporate gear, and the night before I got all my stuff out only to find most of it didn't fit.  It has been six months since I had the hysterectomy, and I'm finding I still get swelly belly - where my tummy swells by a good couple of inches (cause can be a few different things, including exercise).  I measured myself that evening, and then again in the morning and there was a 2" difference in size, so I wasn't seeing things!  At least by the morning I was able to fit into one of those outfits, but it was very depressing.

So yet again I'm on the vicious cycle - depression, comfort food, weight gain :(  I do have moments where I feel good about myself, and where I think "I can do this" but then that disappears and I'm back into the "I don't care" mode.  I've been on this cycle for many years, but at least now I can recognise the symptoms, plus I can talk about it.  There was a time once (in my late teens/early 20s) where I was so depressed that my friends had no idea that I was contemplating suicide.  It annoys me when people just say to talk about it or seek help - unless you have been down that sink-hole, you have no idea what it is like.  I couldn't see any other way out at the time, and I couldn't vision any future for me.  I didn't even think I'd live to see 30.   Thankfully, something happened to make me realise there was a future, and here I am today.

But now as a Personal Trainer as well, I know even more about what I should be doing, and feel like I'm not setting a good example for my clients.  I know what I should be doing, I'm just not doing it.  I know I need to stop making excuses and get back on the healthy train - eating well and exercising regularly.  I may fall off again, but that is life and I just need to accept that and have strategies in place to deal with it.  So, I raise my glass of sparkling water to life and say 'bring it on'!

The Challenges of Life

They say if things were easy, everyone would be doing it.. like losing weight.  Well, losing weight can be easy, but like anything you have to be committed to doing it!  Sadly, when I wrote my last post in an attempt to do an 8 week challenge - life threw all kinds of work challenges at me.  I went from working only a few hours a week, to over 30 hours a week.  For example, last week I worked 37 hours in one job, plus another 7 hours in another job (so 45hrs total).  Sure this is full time hours for most people, and it would be fine if it was 8am to 5pm, Monday to Friday - but for me it has been more condensed into 4 days with 5.30am/6am starts and 8pm finishes.  You think that's great- I get a 3 day weekend - but by the time the weekend comes around I'm so damn tired all I want to do is sleep!  So not really that great, and I can see how Personal Trainers can quickly burn out, let alone if they have to work a second job to keep paying the bills!  This has also meant I've had little time or energy to do my own workout, which is very frustrating.

The lack of energy, and tiredness, have led to my poor diet choices once again - where I'm finding myself back on the merry-go-round of sweetness and sugar addiction.  Something I have overcome once before, and know I can do it again, but once again a challenge which I have yet to fully commit to, especially as my depression lurks and feed on sugar, and I find it a constant battle in my mind which I have to conquer once again.

On the upside, however, I did get back into doing the Sat morning Parkrun, and a couple of weeks ago I was able to run the whole 5km without having to switch to a power walk.  I completed it in around 35mins, which is slow for me, but this is great progress as now I can concentrate on getting my speed up again.  Last weekend I also challenged myself by participating in the ROC Race - a 5km un-timed race inspired by the shows "Wipeout" and "It's a Knockout".  Along the 5km were 12 different, larger than life obstaces - many of which resulted in being drenched, soaked or covered in foam - but was so much fun, and I completed the course in around 45-50mins.

Also, this year I have been determined to work more acting gigs, which I set myself the one and only new year resolution of working at least one day per month on a film set (paid or unpaid).  It is now May, and I'm please to say I have already completed 12 days on various films - majority of which have been speaking roles, and about a third of them have even been paid!  So at least my career is looking good, even though my waistline isn't!  But I know I will get there - sometimes we just need to push through the pain, otherwise we never discover our full potential.. so hopefully next time I check in I will be in a much better mindset!

SARI in Sydney

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post, but at least the two weeks I spent in Townsville for work helped me finally get better.  June was pretty much a write off for work due to being sick the whole month!  Townsville was great - average temp of mid 20s, was paid to do some fun Angry Birds promo work, plus got to catch up with my sis for her birthday!!  The worst part of the trip however was the 2 hour flight delay back to Brisbane.  Those that have travelled from Townsville will know there aren't many flights out, and when someone else is paying they are always going to choose the cheapest option.  This meant a 9.30pm flight became an 11.30pm flight, making my arrival in Brisbane at 1.30am in the morning!  Now that wouldn't have been too bad if I could've just gone home and slept the rest of the day, but I had to be back at the airport at 6am to fly to Sydney with my dance troupe, SARI.  So after barely 3hrs sleep, I was back to the airport with a refreshed suitcase, and an air of excitement to participate in our first big competition!

Sydney was great, and actually wasn't as cold as I thought it would be and there was only scatterings of rain.  We arrived about 9am and headed straight to a dance studio so we could workshop our two songs we had prepared - one was our own choice, and the other a judges choice song.  As I hadn't seen the others for a few weeks, this was the first chance I had to actually rehearse it with them.  We were quite excited about our final routines, and headed to the hotel about lunchtime so we could relax and freshen up before heading to the competition venue at 4pm.

This was the first big Indian dance competition we had entered, and whilst I still don't think we needed to be at the venue so early, I was impressed that it was the first Indian event we had attended in 6 years that actually ran spot on time!!   The event didn't start until 6pm and we were asked to be there at 4pm supposedly for a sound check and were also informed we'd be able to change / rehearse at the venue.  However the sound check was just someone asking me if 'this' was our music (which they played on ipod for 15sec) and then we we told to change and sit in a large 'green' room whilst we wait to go on.  There was no room / space to rehearse, so we were glad we had spent the morning rehearsing!  So in my opinion we could've arrived at 5pm and still been ready to go on by 6pm.. (and the extra hour would've meant I might've been able to have more of a nap!)..  Anyway, it did run on time, and was otherwise well organised.  It was also great to meet some other performers from around the country!

We went onstage and did our 'own choice' song - which we were happy with, but apparently it didn't impress all the judges.  Comments were made about our costume not being traditional - but we weren't dancing to a traditional song, so it would've looked out of place.  I found this surprising as there were other groups / solo dancers also wearing 'western' style dance costumes, but some of them got through to the next round.  Mind you, some of those dance performances were quite good too.  Our hopes were to at least get through to the next round so we could do our 'judges choice' song, but sadly this didn't happen.  We left tired and disappointed, but happy to have been able to be part of a fun night.

Anyway, I'm now back home and have been having fun doing some different jobs - the past few days I've been a brand ambassador for a new mobile phone; today I worked on the registration desk / events team for a financial planners conference; and tomorrow I will be doing some demo/sampling of a popular brand of butter.  I also had an audition yesterday for a short film; have 2 more auditions tomorrow for more short films, and possibly one more later in the week - so am hoping to be doing more film work very soon as I've lucked out with the past few films I was hoping to do due to date clashes with work or other events.. so fingers crossed for me, and I'll check in later and let you know how things are going!

Oh, and if you're on Facebook, I now have a public page - so you can follow me on there also.  You'll find the link in the right menu bar on here!  :)  

Everyone Should Dance

You may or may not know, but I love to dance.  I'm not the greatest dancer - definitely not a technical dancer - but am a passionate dancer.  I dance because it makes me happy, and it's universal.  I don't think it matters where you are in the world, everyone should have music in their lives.  It doesn't matter if you don't understand the lyrics, or if you have two left feet, but if you don't have music then life would be rather quiet don't you think?  Can you imagine what life would be like without music.  I believe even deaf people can 'hear' music - they hear the vibrations of sort - although I'm not deaf nor know anyone that is, so I can't be 100% sure on that one.

Every country has their own style of music, and I love the fact that Australia is so multicultural that we embrace all kinds of music through the many festivals and events we hold here.  Of course, those that know me, know my two loves are K-Pop (Korean music) and even more so Bollywood and Indian music.  The great thing I love about Indian music is that every now and then I'm introduced to another style/region - whether its classic Bollywood from Mumbai, or popular Punjabi songs (Pollywood / Lollywood), to songs from Utta Pratesh (Bhojpuri), Telugu (Tollywood), or Tamil regions (Kollywood).  You can view other Hollywood-inspired names on this list here.

I'm therefore very excited to be dancing with my SARI Bollywood Dance troupe next weekend in our very first Indian dance competition!  We have been performing as a group since 2010, but never competed in competitions before..  We entered our first one last year, and whilst we did make the finals, we were unable to compete.  This year, however, we have made it happen!  We are in the finals of the Indian Australian Singing & Dancing Competition, and we are heading to Sydney!!

Sometimes I wish that there was more work in the entertainment industry so I could work full time.. but sadly there isn't.  Especially when many gigs we get asked to do for free or for exposure.. well can't really pay the bills with exposure now can we.  But on the upside, as a casual worker, I'm now allowing myself more time to focus on my dancing so I can make fun videos like this one.  I hope you enjoy, and if you leave a comment, please be nice.. I am human after all!  lol

Time to Re-Focus

I can't believe I'm still sick after 2 weeks!  What started as a sore throat on two Monday's ago, turned into a cough to the point where I completely lost my voice after a week on the Tuesday - and of course that would be the day everyone tries to call me! - and now nearly Monday again, despite having my voice back I am still coughing and have a slight sore throat.  I did go to the doctors (viral infection), nothing they could do, and have tried just about everything to get better.  I just can't afford to be sick, as no work = no pay.  Aside from my 3 x 1hr classes I am currently running per week (which barely covers food let alone anything else) I haven't done any other work other than one hospitality shift.  I also had to cancel my trip to Sydney for a Bollywood competition because I was not well enough to dance, let alone doing an acting performance after having lost my voice :(  I did ask for a refund for my $200 entry fee as they had no cancellation policy and I did give them over a weeks notice, as I had to make a decision as I also had flights & accommodation I had to cancel.  Sadly it looks like I won't get my money back though - could really use that at the moment!

Despite not being well enough to go to the gym, I have managed to get in a couple of prac sessions for my PT studies in the past few days as my voice came back.  Luckily I wasn't actually training, only observing other PTs so didn't have to talk much, and my coughing hasn't been too much of an issue during the day - just seems to be worse at night now.  I'm quite keen to finish my prac as I can then start working as a PT.  I still have 2 assignments to do - one being a business plan - and then I have to decide where I want to work.  I've been doing my prac with Goodlife, but I'm not sure I want to work there yet.  My goal is to work part time as a trainer (mostly mornings), so that I can still act/dance in the evenings and weekends.  I don't mind paying rent (which most gyms charge) but I want it to be reasonable based on the hours I am wanting to work, so am checking out some other gyms to see how they operate as well.  This will also help give me an idea of how the industry works in general, as every gym is slightly different.

On the upside, my dance troupe, SARI, we delighted to be informed that we had made a direct entry into the Indian Australian Singing & Dancing Competition to be held in Sydney on Sat, 09 July.  We did make the finals of this event last year, after an audition process and public voting, but this year there was no public voting for Dance Groups.  We didn't actually get to the finals in 2015 though, as the event was held on a Sunday, and we were only provided with a weeks' notice to get down there.  We had intended to go down & back on the same day, however due to the event running late we realised we would never make the last flight back from Sydney (and due to the late notice, my dancers couldn't get the Monday off work) so we had to withdraw.  Thankfully, this year they have put the event on a Saturday evening, so we can go down & back for the weekend which we are very excited about!  Now we have to raise about $2500 to get down there - $300 per person for return flights, and around $500 for one nights accommodation!  The rest of the funds will go towards taxi fares & food.  Now we just have to figure out the best ways to raise funds!  Now I just have to get back into my fasting routine and get back off the sugar (ice cream does help a sore throat, but that's about all it's good for..lol).  So time for a new goal:

On 09 July 2016 I will weigh 67kg by doing 5:2 and not eating sugar..

No Voice Today

So am at home today trying to keep warm, and get over this stupid illness I've had for a week now which has left me with little voice and feeling like crap in general.  I hate being sick for several reasons - I never get anything done that I need to do, due to spending most of the day in bed; and I can't work (no work = no money).  Although I did manage to do a bit of choreography today for a song I've been teaching my beginners Bollywood class - however I don't know how I'm going to teach tonight without much of a voice.  I might have to mime.  I can't cancel the class because I don't have anyone to cover me, and I can't postpone it because the week after we finish I'm heading to Townsville for work.  But as anyone in the performing arts industry knows, sometimes you just have to get in there and do it anyway.

I really should be trying to finish my last 2 assignments, but I can't concentrate much at the moment.  On the upside, being sick does make my fast days a bit easier.  All I have eaten today is some pumpkin bread with avocado and a coke zero.  A total of just under 500 calories.  Not sure if I'll have dinner yet or not, but if I do it will only be something small so will definitely be under my BMR (which is okay for a fast day).

To top things off, I've been waiting for a promo company to pay me for some work I did back in April, only to now find out they had my account number wrong so now I have to wait even longer for the money to come through!  Just what I needed.... I'd like to go back to bed now but have to get ready to go to my class soon. ;(

My So Called Life

Thanks for dropping by to check out my new blog!  I've always been one to have some sort of diary  or journal, and have previously had online blogs that have been anonymous as they were just really for my own purpose, but this time I thought it was time to share.  For those of you that do know me, I have been doing a series of video blogs on my weight loss journey - which is still on-going - so this written blog will hopefully complement that, allowing me to post a bit more about how I live, what I eat, and my journey to becoming a fitter and healthier me overall.

But to any good story, there always has to be some history provided to help you understand how I got to where I am today.  They say that your decisions in life are made based on the information you have or situation you are in at the time, and if you were to re-live your life over, you would make the exact same decisions (even though you'd sometimes like to think otherwise!).  My journey hasn't necessarily been a happy one, and there have been many times when I wish I had made different choices, but I have decided not to regret those decisions - only to focus on the future and where I want to be now, rather than dwell on where I could've been.

So, a bit of background about me:  I was born in Hobart, Tasmania; however due to my father being in the Army, I have spent most of my life living in Brisbane, Queensland.  I was the oldest of three - having a younger sister and brother, both of whom now live in North Queensland.  My childhood wasn't a happy one.  My father was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive, and I spend most of my school years suffering from depression.  The sad thing is that I didn't know I was depressed - to me it was just a 'normal' feeling and I thought that was how I was supposed to feel.  This became worse in my later high school years, and I would occassionally have suicidal thoughts as I couldn't see any future for me, but I never acted upon those thoughts - although I did become a cutter as a way of coping.

Of course, I did have some dreams.  I remember when I was around 5 years old, watching a Shirley Temple movie on TV, and knowing that I wanted to be like her - an actor, singer, dancer.  It was all I ever wanted to do - entertain and perform.  I think my parents thought it was just a phase, and never indulged me.  Whenever they asked what I wanted to do, I would tell them I wanted to be an actor, and my father would always say 'That's not a real job.  You have to get a real job.'  He might have been trying to get me to be more practical (as we all know that not many performers get to make a living out of what they love doing), but I couldn't think of doing anything else, and I believe that his 'reality check' made me think I would never get to do what I really wanted, which most likely contributed to my depression.

By the end of my senior year, I didn't have any hope of being able to study performing arts at University, so I applied to do a Computer Engineering course with TAFE instead.  I ended up doing this part-time, whilst doing an Office Secretarial Traineeship full-time.  But I still wasn't happy.  Somewhere along the way I turned to witchcraft, initially with all the wrong intentions, but after learning more about the religion, I believe it partly helped save my life.  That, and the help of my now long-term boyfriend.

When I started to realise I could have a future, I decided I needed to move out of home.  Sadly, this decision didn't go down well and I ended up being kicked out one night by my father.  But I didn't look back.  I had to keep moving forward if I wanted to survive.  I attended counselling and things started to look up.  I was in a good paying job, and I finally got to study performing arts.  Things were looking okay, but something was still not right.  Over time I put on weight, and despite several attempts / diets, I couldn't lose it.

About 16 years later, I spoke to my father for the first time.  My grandfather had recently passed, and it was briefly mentioned that my father wasn't well either.  I didn't know to what extent, but we started talking - however the next 4 years it was always pleasant conversation.  I still always felt like I had to be careful what I said so he didn't lose his temper.  But at least we were talking again.  Then one day, my mother calls in tears to say he was in hospital.  I then found out he had liver cancer.   A couple of days later, he passed away at age 58.

I don't know what was the bigger shock - that he died at a young age of cancer, or that I didn't actually know how sick he was.  I spent the next year back in counselling, trying to find a way to deal with the unresolved issues which I never dealt with initially.  When I moved out and had the initial counselling, it turned out all I had done was stuck my head in the sand - I never actually dealt with any of it.  Over the following months I put on even more weight.

It is clichéd, but I truly had the moment of realising life is short. During my counselling I started to deal with these issues, and was finally able to start making the changes in my life that I needed to.  At my worst, I was 84kg and a size 16-18.  I discovered the world of Intermittent Fasting, and along with the support of my mother (a University-qualified Nutritionist), I started to finally lose weight.  I also started to do some of the things I used to enjoy when I was younger, like running and playing the trumpet.

At this stage I was running my own small Bollywood dance school, and I had discovered a passion for health and fitness - wanting to help others to lose weight and become fitter - so last year I decided I was going to study to become a Personal Trainer, with the goal of going from full time to part time work.  As fate would have it, I was given a redundancy notice in my full time job, and I finally finished working full time at the end of February this year.  After a 3 week holiday, I have now come back to a new start - completing my studies at as PT; registering with my acting agent again; and doing lots of casual work with various promo and hospitality agencies.

Life is certainly different for me now, and at times stressful but exciting as I don't know what is coming next.  I'm currently sitting around 69kg (I still have another 9kg to reach my goal and be well within my healthy weight range), and am actually quite sick for the first time in about 18 months, but I feel happier than I've ever been.  I hope to share with you in this blog some of the ups and downs in my life, and hope that it might inspire or encourage you to take control of your life, because it's never too late!

xx Rach