Thanks for dropping by to check out my new blog! I've always been one to have some sort of diary or journal, and have previously had online blogs that have been anonymous as they were just really for my own purpose, but this time I thought it was time to share. For those of you that do know me, I have been doing a series of video blogs on my weight loss journey - which is still on-going - so this written blog will hopefully complement that, allowing me to post a bit more about how I live, what I eat, and my journey to becoming a fitter and healthier me overall.
But to any good story, there always has to be some history provided to help you understand how I got to where I am today. They say that your decisions in life are made based on the information you have or situation you are in at the time, and if you were to re-live your life over, you would make the exact same decisions (even though you'd sometimes like to think otherwise!). My journey hasn't necessarily been a happy one, and there have been many times when I wish I had made different choices, but I have decided not to regret those decisions - only to focus on the future and where I want to be now, rather than dwell on where I could've been.
So, a bit of background about me: I was born in Hobart, Tasmania; however due to my father being in the Army, I have spent most of my life living in Brisbane, Queensland. I was the oldest of three - having a younger sister and brother, both of whom now live in North Queensland. My childhood wasn't a happy one. My father was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive, and I spend most of my school years suffering from depression. The sad thing is that I didn't know I was depressed - to me it was just a 'normal' feeling and I thought that was how I was supposed to feel. This became worse in my later high school years, and I would occassionally have suicidal thoughts as I couldn't see any future for me, but I never acted upon those thoughts - although I did become a cutter as a way of coping.
Of course, I did have some dreams. I remember when I was around 5 years old, watching a Shirley Temple movie on TV, and knowing that I wanted to be like her - an actor, singer, dancer. It was all I ever wanted to do - entertain and perform. I think my parents thought it was just a phase, and never indulged me. Whenever they asked what I wanted to do, I would tell them I wanted to be an actor, and my father would always say 'That's not a real job. You have to get a real job.' He might have been trying to get me to be more practical (as we all know that not many performers get to make a living out of what they love doing), but I couldn't think of doing anything else, and I believe that his 'reality check' made me think I would never get to do what I really wanted, which most likely contributed to my depression.
By the end of my senior year, I didn't have any hope of being able to study performing arts at University, so I applied to do a Computer Engineering course with TAFE instead. I ended up doing this part-time, whilst doing an Office Secretarial Traineeship full-time. But I still wasn't happy. Somewhere along the way I turned to witchcraft, initially with all the wrong intentions, but after learning more about the religion, I believe it partly helped save my life. That, and the help of my now long-term boyfriend.
When I started to realise I could have a future, I decided I needed to move out of home. Sadly, this decision didn't go down well and I ended up being kicked out one night by my father. But I didn't look back. I had to keep moving forward if I wanted to survive. I attended counselling and things started to look up. I was in a good paying job, and I finally got to study performing arts. Things were looking okay, but something was still not right. Over time I put on weight, and despite several attempts / diets, I couldn't lose it.
About 16 years later, I spoke to my father for the first time. My grandfather had recently passed, and it was briefly mentioned that my father wasn't well either. I didn't know to what extent, but we started talking - however the next 4 years it was always pleasant conversation. I still always felt like I had to be careful what I said so he didn't lose his temper. But at least we were talking again. Then one day, my mother calls in tears to say he was in hospital. I then found out he had liver cancer. A couple of days later, he passed away at age 58.
I don't know what was the bigger shock - that he died at a young age of cancer, or that I didn't actually know how sick he was. I spent the next year back in counselling, trying to find a way to deal with the unresolved issues which I never dealt with initially. When I moved out and had the initial counselling, it turned out all I had done was stuck my head in the sand - I never actually dealt with any of it. Over the following months I put on even more weight.
It is clichéd, but I truly had the moment of realising life is short. During my counselling I started to deal with these issues, and was finally able to start making the changes in my life that I needed to. At my worst, I was 84kg and a size 16-18. I discovered the world of Intermittent Fasting, and along with the support of my mother (a University-qualified Nutritionist), I started to finally lose weight. I also started to do some of the things I used to enjoy when I was younger, like running and playing the trumpet.
At this stage I was running my own small Bollywood dance school, and I had discovered a passion for health and fitness - wanting to help others to lose weight and become fitter - so last year I decided I was going to study to become a Personal Trainer, with the goal of going from full time to part time work. As fate would have it, I was given a redundancy notice in my full time job, and I finally finished working full time at the end of February this year. After a 3 week holiday, I have now come back to a new start - completing my studies at as PT; registering with my acting agent again; and doing lots of casual work with various promo and hospitality agencies.
Life is certainly different for me now, and at times stressful but exciting as I don't know what is coming next. I'm currently sitting around 69kg (I still have another 9kg to reach my goal and be well within my healthy weight range), and am actually quite sick for the first time in about 18 months, but I feel happier than I've ever been. I hope to share with you in this blog some of the ups and downs in my life, and hope that it might inspire or encourage you to take control of your life, because it's never too late!
xx Rach
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